MAN OF THE YEAR Awards
Photo Submissions (no pun intended)


3rd place... Albania

2nd place... Serbia

1st place... Ireland

New Element

From an article in the June issue of World Oil:

"A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element know to science. The new element has tentatively been named 'governmentium'. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy
neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass."

"Who's On First" for the next generation

Dubya: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

Dubya: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

Dubya: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

Dubya: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

Dubya: I mean the fella's name.

Condi: Hu.

Dubya: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

Dubya: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

Dubya: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

Dubya: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

Dubya: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

Dubya: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

Dubya: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

Dubya: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

Dubya: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

Dubya: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

Dubya: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

Dubya: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

Dubya: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

Dubya: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

Dubya: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

Dubya: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

Dubya: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

Dubya: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

Dubya: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

Dubya: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

Dubya: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

Dubya: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

Gosh!

Since the rest of the "contributors" to this blog are even bigger slackers than I am, I guess I'll have to continue supplying the funnies. Someone forwarded this to me a long time ago, and I remembered it recently because I'm about to change jobs (God willing). The friendly folks at my neighborhood Blockbuster have come closer than they realize to hearing a few of these.

Things You'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work

I see your point, and I still think you're an idiot.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I, flypaper for freaks?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

And your whiny crybaby opinion would be...?

Do I look like a people person?

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

get Arrested

These are quotes from the only show that comes close to Seinfeld for brilliantly off-the-wall humor, Arrested Development. If you haven't discovered this comic gold mine, you must check out the first season on DVD. The quotes are so much funnier when you know the characters (as with Seinfeld), but I think they stand on their own.


"What comes before everything else--what have we always said is the most important thing?"
"Breakfast."
"Family."
"Family, right. I thought you meant of the things you eat."

"Did you enjoy your lunch, Mother? You drank it fast enough."
"Not as much as you enjoyed yours--you want your belt to buckle, not your chair."

"He's your older brother, Michael, you could find a little job for him. Make him feel special."
"But he's not special, Mother."
"... no."

"Since when are you against leather? You're not even a vegetarian."
"I'm not against the insides; people need meat to survive."
"You are aware that they don't remove it from the cow surgically, right?"

"All you've ever praised me for is my looks! It's always been, 'Michael's got the brains, GOB's got the charm, Buster's got the...'"
"... high-fastening pants."
"You said that?"
"No I'm saying that now."

"We don't have to go to the party, do we?"
"Oh c'mon, this is a Bluth family celebration. It's no place for children."

"Where'd you get that outfit?"
"Mom gave it to me. I guess she wanted me to have something new--sweet old thing."
"Only two of those words describe Mom, so I know you're lying to me."
"Fine. I bought it before we went broke, okay? I just haven't worn it yet."
"What about the outfit yesterday?"
"... old thing gave it to me."

"I never see you anymore, Michael."
"You’re in prison, Dad. And I was here yesterday."
"Oh, yeah, that’s... that’s right. I’m sorry. I couldn’t break away from the poker game. Capital-G was down to his boxers."
"Strip poker?"
"Yeah, and it’s tough. We can really only play about two hands."

"Michael, have you forgotten the commandement that says, Thou shalt honor thy father, and protect him above all others, except for me, thy sweet Lord?"
"Yeah I don't think that one made it down the mountain."

"I don't have the milk of mother's kindness anymore."
"Yyyeah, that udder's been dry for a *long* time."

"We're not the only one's cutting down trees, you know. What about beavers? You call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go club a few beavers?"

"I've always been deeply passionate about nature. Perhaps you remember Neuterfest?"
"I'll never forget your wedding."

Name that funny-man

Has anyone heard of a comedian who does a bit about how much he loves cake? My wife heard him on TV once and said he's hilarious, but she can't remember his name. Of his love for cake, he says he would go to the DMV and stand in the line for Spanish-speakers if someone told him that there might be cake.

more Mitch

I'm staying at this hotel and I dialed "0". I meant to dial "8", but I aimed too low. anyway, the operator answered and said, "how may I direct your call?" I said, "well, you can start by saying 'action' ... and at the end say 'cut' ... and if you want to go the extra mile, you can wear a beret and knickers ... and carry a big cone.

my belt holds up my pants, but my belt loops hold up my belt. who's the real star of the show?

when it comes to racism people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple, or green." ... Purple or green?! ... hold on a minute ... you gotta draw the line somewhere ... to hell with purple people ... unless they're choking ...
then help them.

I was at a restaurant and ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "how would you like your eggs?" I said, "Incubated! and then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put into a bun. ... aw damn, i don't have that much time. ... Scrambled.

Mitch Hedberg

For those who've never heard of this hilarious comedian, allow me to initiate you. Mitch Hedberg was an inspired blend of Jerry Seinfeld, Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, and Kurt Cobain--truly a rock star of cult comedy. I say "was" because he died a few weeks ago, at the age of 37, reportedly of heart failure. His deliriously clever wit lives on, however, indelibly captured on two live performance CDs: Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together. The man who once declared that he was not a household name because most of his fans live in apartments rambles through these two CDs, offering half baked observations on everyday life that range from profound irony to complete nonsense (the koala bit, for instance). And he was the king of quotable one-liners. In keeping with this blog's committment to high quality humor, I present the following examples of Mitch's contribution to comedy:
(Disclaimer-All these quotes are off the top of my head, so I apologize to purists who take exception with my paraphrasing. And be advised that Mitch was always liberal with the profanity, but I think you'll agree that the jokes would be just as funny without it.)

~ I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

~ Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

~ When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

~ I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

~ Whenever I shave, I assume that someone else on the planet is shaving at the same time, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too."

~ I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

~ My friend wrote me a letter with a highlighter, but I thought he was just trying to show me certain parts of a piece of paper.

~ I wrote my dad a letter, and I wanted to write "I really enjoyed seeing you," but instead of writing "really" I wrote "rarely". I didn't want to scratch it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad. There's alot you don't know about me. Stop trying to call me a steamboat operator." The letter took a harsh turn from there.

~ A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

~ I don't play tennis, because it discourages me to think that no matter how I good I get, I'll never be better than a wall. I've played a wall before; that thing was relentless.



I could go on, believe me, but you don't get the full effect without Mitch's delivery. Check out his official website at www.mitchhedberg.net.