Name that funny-man

Has anyone heard of a comedian who does a bit about how much he loves cake? My wife heard him on TV once and said he's hilarious, but she can't remember his name. Of his love for cake, he says he would go to the DMV and stand in the line for Spanish-speakers if someone told him that there might be cake.

more Mitch

I'm staying at this hotel and I dialed "0". I meant to dial "8", but I aimed too low. anyway, the operator answered and said, "how may I direct your call?" I said, "well, you can start by saying 'action' ... and at the end say 'cut' ... and if you want to go the extra mile, you can wear a beret and knickers ... and carry a big cone.

my belt holds up my pants, but my belt loops hold up my belt. who's the real star of the show?

when it comes to racism people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple, or green." ... Purple or green?! ... hold on a minute ... you gotta draw the line somewhere ... to hell with purple people ... unless they're choking ...
then help them.

I was at a restaurant and ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "how would you like your eggs?" I said, "Incubated! and then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put into a bun. ... aw damn, i don't have that much time. ... Scrambled.

Mitch Hedberg

For those who've never heard of this hilarious comedian, allow me to initiate you. Mitch Hedberg was an inspired blend of Jerry Seinfeld, Wooderson from Dazed and Confused, and Kurt Cobain--truly a rock star of cult comedy. I say "was" because he died a few weeks ago, at the age of 37, reportedly of heart failure. His deliriously clever wit lives on, however, indelibly captured on two live performance CDs: Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together. The man who once declared that he was not a household name because most of his fans live in apartments rambles through these two CDs, offering half baked observations on everyday life that range from profound irony to complete nonsense (the koala bit, for instance). And he was the king of quotable one-liners. In keeping with this blog's committment to high quality humor, I present the following examples of Mitch's contribution to comedy:
(Disclaimer-All these quotes are off the top of my head, so I apologize to purists who take exception with my paraphrasing. And be advised that Mitch was always liberal with the profanity, but I think you'll agree that the jokes would be just as funny without it.)

~ I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

~ Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

~ When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

~ I wish I could play Little League now. I'd be way better than before.

~ Whenever I shave, I assume that someone else on the planet is shaving at the same time, so I say "I'm gonna go shave too."

~ I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

~ My friend wrote me a letter with a highlighter, but I thought he was just trying to show me certain parts of a piece of paper.

~ I wrote my dad a letter, and I wanted to write "I really enjoyed seeing you," but instead of writing "really" I wrote "rarely". I didn't want to scratch it out, so I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, Dad. There's alot you don't know about me. Stop trying to call me a steamboat operator." The letter took a harsh turn from there.

~ A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

~ I don't play tennis, because it discourages me to think that no matter how I good I get, I'll never be better than a wall. I've played a wall before; that thing was relentless.



I could go on, believe me, but you don't get the full effect without Mitch's delivery. Check out his official website at www.mitchhedberg.net.